Tuesday, August 26, 2008

what i should be doing

• Best Occupational Category

  You're an ORGANIZER

  Key Words:

  Self-Control, Practical, Self-Contained, Orderly, Systematic, Precise, and Accurate

  These conservative appearing, plotting-types enjoy organizing, data systems, accounting, detail, and accuracy. They often enjoy mathematics and data management activities such as accounting and investment management. Persistence and patience allows them to do detailed paperwork, operate office machines, write business reports, and make charts and graphs.

  ORGANIZER CAREERS
  Suggested careers are Administrator, Secretary, Printer, Paralegal, Building Inspector, Bank Cashier, Private Secretary, Statistician, Operations Manager, Financial Analyst, Bookkeeper, Medical Records Technician, Developer of Business or Computer Systems, Clerical Worker, Proofreader, Accountant, Administrative Assistant, Banker, Certified Public Accountant, Credit Manager, Store Salesperson, Actuary, Dental Assistant, Business Education Teacher, Food Service Manager, IRS Agent, Budget Analyst, and Underwriter.

  ORGANIZER WORKPLACES
  Your very careful, conscientious, conservative nature gives others the confidence to trust you with handling money and material possessions. Structured organizations that have well-ordered chains of command work best for you.

  Suggested Organizer workplaces are large corporations, business offices, financial lending institutions, banks, insurance companies, accounting firms, and quality control and inspection departments.

• 2nd Best Occupational Category

  You're a DOER

  Key Words:

  Emotionally Stable, Reliable, High Energy, Practical, Thrifty, and Persistent

  These adventurous types prefer action-oriented, concrete problems rather than dealing with thought-provoking, ambiguous, abstract dilemmas. Fields of interest include mechanical, construction, and outdoor careers. They might also enjoy working with machines, tools, and equipment to repair or build something.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

i don't want to stop nursing

but my work is getting more difficult to manage.

Friday, July 11, 2008

cry

Last night I was a horrible mother.

My baby fell off the bed, and had the first bump of his life.

There are no words to describe my horror.  One second I was just nodding off to sleep, with a barrier of pillows between the opposite edge the bed and my baby - the next I woke up to the sound of a crash and my baby screaming.  He was screaming!  My baby was missing! 

When I realized my negligence I just couldn't live with myself.  As I raced to the other side of the bed to pick him up and comfort him, I felt unworthy of touching him. Comforting him.  What right do I have to provide succor when I was the cause of his misery?

Fortunately, the crashing sound wasn't really caused by him plunging headfirst to the floor.  Rather, he apparently jumped over 3 levels of pillows in his attempt to reach a portable drawer on the shelf facing the edge of the bed.  He apparently reached it and the impact against that drawer was what caused the sound. 

Doublechecked his back, just in case he landed on his tush or maybe something was wrong with his spine?  No bumps. No scratches.  No bruises.  Just a wailing baby, with a slight bruising and bump on the right side of his forehead.  A baby that wanted to nurse immediately to take the edge off.

I should have left him in his crib, but I couldn't stand his complaints.  He wanted mama.  My job is to make the hard decisions.  He shouldn't have had mama because she was tired and drowsy and could not be trusted with the baby at that moment.  I should have left him to his complaints. 

I'm trying to remember that I have to be tough for when he reaches the teenage years.  I can't keep giving him everything he wants when I don't have the capacity to.  It's like getting into credit card debt just to get him a car to keep up with the joneses.  All this went going through my head while he starts to nod off.  Babies nod off like this after a slight trauma.  The book says I should wake him a bit later just to check.  If he fights me off, then we're ok. If there's no vomiting or shaking or weird twitching, then he's ok.  If there's no sudden change in appetite or temperament, then we're ok.  This will be a long night.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

just in case

i sent another letter, just in case the offer hasn't been fully rescinded.  each moment i continue to stay is painful - ever since i got pregnant my work situation has become too unstable, too variable.  Though I do get hints that I'm still a valued member of the team, there has been so little teamwork.  The work that I used to do was meaningful, but ever since i've had to delegate/hand off to others the work quality has been changed beyond recognition.  i'm at a loss as to what my work is supposed to look like now.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

getting ahead

It was a painful decision to turn down the offer that I had worked so hard to earn.  I got into a pretty good MBA program, complete with a US$ 10,000 scholarship, in Boston.  I was preparing myself for the emotional, mental and physical hardships that such an endeavor would entail.  I was getting ready to resign from my job. I was even prepared to get into massive student debt to pay off the rest of my tuition and living expenses.  What I was not prepared for was the impact the subprime lending fiasco would have on all my potential co-signers.  Admittedly, the loan I was planning on taking was rather large, but then my scholarship, sizeable though it was, only covered 25% of tuition. 

I was not prepared to let my scholarship go, but I had to.

Some of my friends say I should learn from this experience to apply to better ranked schools... after all I did get a pretty good award.  However, my GMAT score is rather average, hence my chances in a number of other external scholarships were limited.  I keep telling myself that I can try again next year, but further research of the scholarships available just left me with a feeling close to helplessness.  I no longer qualify for some of the scholarships because I'm too old, my GMAT isn't high enough, I'm not a citizen of so-and-so country, etc.  In the meantime, my 3-month old refuses to go to sleep without me... if I don't take him with me to whatever school I end up being accepted in how is he going to sleep? (deliberately phrased as a stupid question).  I honestly don't know how I'll afford taking him with me.

I refuse to let go of this dream.. it's the only way I know that I will get ahead.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

lpreemie paranoia

as far as i know, everyone at this stage becomes paralyzed with fear of premature birth. Regardless of whether I do go full term or go early, NOTHING is more sacred to me than people saying and doing the right things.  My personal worse experience:  when so called friends are so self-absorbed that they "forget" how fragile you are and expose you to ill persons.  I came from a trip abroad for work where I got sick just before, because they weren't saying that they had a cold (i started having symptoms 2 days after). I ended up with a fever in a country with a medical system I couldn't trust where I was still expected to work simply because that was the reason why I was sent there (it was a CRITICAL business trip that couldn't be delayed - so there was that pressure also). Very few things match the fear that you could go into pre-term labor in a foreign country away from family and all you know.  After a number of long distance calls to my OB, we established that I couldn't take anything stronger than saline solution and paracetamol.  I was drugged all the way home (had to, or else I wouldn't be able to walk to the plane because my fever kept recurring), and when I got back home my doc was glad that she only had to prescribe a number of antibiotics (generally something pregnant women shouldn't be taking) and I didn't have to be hospitalized again.  I've been banned from work travel since then, which isn't such a bad thing since i'm already 8 months. My point is, it was needless suffering - all because so called friends are insensitive and self-absorbed. I pray that all the drama I've gone through with my pregnancy (I've been hospitalized in my 4th month for what seems like food poisoning) wouldn't result in actual hurt to my baby.  From his ultrasounds, he looks ok...

http://members.aol.com/DGH82/index6.html

Silence is Golden!

---

This is my own list of things not to say to parents of a premature baby or sick child. Believe it or not, I heard all of the things listed here and they did not make me feel better. I know that the people who said them were trying to help, but sometimes saying nothing is better.

PLEASE DO NOT SAY:

My (fill in the blanks) had a baby that only weighed 2 pounds and he/she is 6 feet tall now.

You let them give your baby blood? Aren't you afraid he will get AIDS?

He had how many chest x-rays? He will probably get cancer when he's older.

He is still on oxygen all the time? Well it hasn't really been that long. He's only 18 months old.

What is WRONG with him?

How can you leave your baby in the hospital?

He sure is huge. It must be all the steroids they gave him.

My baby died when he was four days old and I spent every moment at the hospital. You need to be there all of the time or you will regret it. (Told to me when my baby was four days old and very sick).

If you want to hold your baby you should just pick him up. The doctors and nurses are just doing things for their own convenience. They don't really care about the babies. (Told to me by the same woman that made the comment above when my son had three chest tubes, was on the high frequency ventilator, and had blood gases done every 30 minutes at least).

It is good that he has pneumonia. It will help him build his immune system.

Is he crawling/walking/talking/rolling yet? My baby does all of those things and he was born a month after yours.

You are being over-protective. He can not live in a plastic bubble.

He is okay now or they would not have released him from the hospital.

I don't have a cold. It's allergies.

Do you have any pictures of your baby? OH MY GOD - HE LOOKS TERRIBLE!

Someday you will forget all about this. (Not bloody likely).

Are you going to have another baby? It could not happen again.



PLEASE SAY:

I am thinking about you and praying for all of you.

Your baby is adorable.

I am here to listen if you want to talk.

Where is your bathroom so I can wash my hands before I touch your baby.

I have a cold so I can not visit today. Let's do it another time when I am not sick.

Babies all develop at their own rates.

Friday, September 07, 2007

if you were given the choice - free something something offered  by your in law but the quality would be questionable vs. a potentially expensive something something where you get the specific quality you want and likely you'll be in debt for a while, would the cheapskate or the queen rule? 

i hate that i'm being presented with this choice.  honestly, if the quality wasn't such an issue (and the fact that i'd be depriving others that can't afford the much needed something something) the cheapskate in me would rule.  i've been having seriously bad nights every time something something gets brought up. 

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

BKK or HCM?

so far so good... a potential employer has shown interest in me.  Hope it works out.  I'm a bit paranoid... I don't want to jinx it.  Somehow if I talk about something I really like it doesn't happen for me.  Still, I'm excited.  I just pray that this is a good one.